Many people with friends or family members dealing with alcohol use disorder (AUD) want to help, but unintentionally say things that cause harm. Even using the term “alcoholic” instead of “someone with alcohol use disorder” can be damaging, as it carries stigma and downplays the fact that AUD is a treatable health condition.
The words we choose matter. This article outlines five common things to avoid saying to someone with AUD, and what to say instead. The goal is to offer support, encourage open communication, and avoid perpetuating harmful stereotypes.
“Your Drinking Doesn’t Seem That Bad, Maybe You Just Need to Cut Back”
This statement minimizes the severity of the condition. Someone with AUD might be functional in their daily life – holding down a job, raising a family – but that doesn’t mean the problem isn’t real. AUD exists on a spectrum, and assuming someone is on the less severe end is dismissive.
Instead, say: “I’ve noticed you’ve been talking about some challenges with alcohol. If you’re open to it, I found some resources that might be helpful.”
“Why Can’t You Just Stop?”
This question implies that recovery is simply a matter of willpower, ignoring the complex biological and psychological factors at play. AUD is a medical condition that alters brain function, making it extremely difficult to stop despite negative consequences. It’s not a personal failing.
Instead, say: “I may not understand exactly what you’re going through, but I care about you and want to support you. How can I help?”
“You Don’t Care About Anyone or Anything but Alcohol”
This accusation ignores the underlying reasons why someone might turn to alcohol. AUD often stems from deeper issues like trauma, mental health disorders, or low self-esteem. Telling someone they “don’t care” only adds to their shame and reinforces a negative cycle.
Instead, say: “Overcoming addiction is incredibly difficult. I love you and want what’s best for you. Let me know how I can support you through recovery.”
“Can’t You Have Just One Drink?”
Even if someone with AUD seems capable of moderation, suggesting they have “just one” can be disrespectful and dangerous. For many, stopping at one drink is nearly impossible. Creating a supportive environment where they feel comfortable saying no is crucial.
Instead, say: “What can I get you to drink? We have plenty of options, including sparkling water, soda, juice, or coffee. Let me know what you prefer.”
“You Don’t Look Like an Alcoholic”
This comment implies that there’s a specific “alcoholic” appearance or behavior, perpetuating stereotypes and minimizing the person’s struggle. People with AUD already face guilt and shame; implying they don’t “look” the part invalidates their experience.
Instead, say: “Thank you for sharing what you’re going through. I’m proud of your bravery. If I say anything that doesn’t feel supportive, please let me know.”
The Bottom Line
When supporting someone with AUD, empathy and open communication are key. Avoid judgmental statements that reinforce shame and minimize the condition. Supportive language fosters trust and encourages recovery.
Communicating without judgment is the most effective way to show support and encourage discussion.
Resources:
* Mayo Clinic: Alcohol Use Disorder
* National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism: Understanding Alcohol Use Disorder
